The vibe in the car was great though. We love road trips, so we were talking, laughing, dipping in and out of podcasts. But once we crossed into the desert stretch of Texas, the world got very quiet and very empty, very fast. There were no gas stations in sight. The only other living things around were cacti, a few cows, and our fellow drivers on the road.

We pulled into the first rest stop we saw to stretch our legs a bit and use the bathroom.

As we were walking back to our car, a guy started walking toward us with a dog, and while Corey isn’t usually that approachable with strangers in public, I spotted the dog and smiled. The guy came right up to us and addressed Corey first:

“Hey man, is there any way you can give me a ride to the gas station? There’s one about 12 miles up the road I think and I’ve got maybe 2 miles left in my tank.” He paused, then gestured toward a car parked nearby. “That’s my Prius over there, so you don’t think I’m some weirdo.” A quick pause. “I’m Abraham, and this is my dog. I could even give you money to go get a gas can and bring it back. I’m kind of stranded here.”

Normally we don’t even consider picking up hitchhikers. But I saw something shift on Corey’s face. We were in the middle of the desert, he had a dog, he’d pointed out his car, and he was very specific in his ask for a ride to the gas station 12 miles away.

Corey looked at him and said, “Do you have any weapons on you?” The guy said no. “Do you mind if I check?” Without hesitation, Abraham said: “Yeah, sure. Go ahead, pat me down, totally understand man. And my dog is super friendly, she won’t hurt you or anything.” That lack of hesitation said everything.

Then Corey said, “I don’t want to leave your dog in the car, it’s way too hot.” It was about 95°F. “She’ll have to come with us.” I touched Corey’s arm and quietly said, “I don’t know if we have room in the car.” We had the back seats folded down for our suitcases, the cooler, and all of our jiu-jitsu gear since we were planning to drop in at a gym in Tucson. There was just no room for a third person and a dog. Corey hadn’t thought about that, and once it clicked he turned to the guy and said, “Oh man, I’m so sorry. I really don’t think we have the room. You can even come look, I’m not bullshitting you.” Abraham took it completely in stride. With a smile, he said, “No problem at all, I totally understand. I’m sure someone will come along. I’ll be just fine.”

We got back in the car and started driving. Corey was quiet for a minute, then said, “I really don’t feel good about just leaving him there.” I was already a little nervous about our letting our gas tank getting below half-full since we were in the isolated desert and it was at about that level at this point, so we kept our eyes open. Sure enough, the gas station Abraham mentioned appeared and we pulled off to top our tank.

Corey went inside while I pumped. He came back out a few minutes later with a dusty old gas can he’d found on the shelf, the only one they had left, and reported that the woman behind the counter looked like she hadn’t seen another living soul in at least a decade. The can was $20. The gallon of gas we put in it was $5. Twenty-five dollars total. We got back in the car and headed back in the direction we just came from, headed for the rest stop again.

Our logic was simple: if Abraham’s still there, great. We hand off the gas and get back on the road. If he’s gone, we keep the spare gallon for ourselves in case we need it out here. We pulled back into the rest stop and there he was, sitting in his car, right where we’d left him.

Corey walked over and said, “Hey man, we didn’t feel good about leaving you out here. We went and got you some gas.” The guy lit up. “Oh my gosh, thank you so much! You’re my saviors! This is incredible.” He told us he was on his way to Oregon to meet his nephew for the first time. The baby was eight months old. He was long overdue for the visit.

I asked what his dog’s name is. He said, “Her name is Shanti. She’s about a year old and she’s the best road companion. She’s been to about 30 states so far. My goal is to get her to all 50 before she’s 2.”

Then Abraham said, “Can I pay you for this gas in farm fresh eggs?!” That morning, the host he’d been staying with had sent him off with a big basket of eggs straight from her chickens and ducks. Corey said sure. So there I was, sitting on the curb at a rest stop in the Texas desert, picking eggs out of a basket one by one, blue and white and green, transferring them into a box Abraham pulled out of the back of his car. He told me to take as many as I wanted.

Shanti came right over and appointed herself quality control manager, sniffing each egg thoroughly before I moved it from the basket to the box, making sure I was making the right choices. She had the softest fur and the most unbothered energy of any dog I’ve ever met. I gave her a good long pet before we had to go and back on the road.

We shook Abraham’s hand, got back in the car, and headed toward our destination with a box of mystery eggs. No idea if they were actually fresh. No idea if they were still good. But there we were. Eggs in tow.

The eggs made it through the trip without issue. At the hotel in El Paso and the hotel in Tucson, we considered leaving the eggs behind, but Corey said “We’ve kept them this long, might as well just hang onto them.”

When we got home I did a float test to see if the eggs were still good. About half passed. The other half were standing straight up, not yet bad but past their prime. We tossed the whole lot in the compost bin and never ate a single one.

But that’s not really the point, is it? Somewhere in the desert of west Texas, a desert spirit name Abraham and his dog, Shanti, came into our path like a little karma test. And we almost failed. We almost just drove away. We probably could have moved some things around in the car and made room in the back to get them to the gas station.

But we couldn’t leave him stranded. And it wasn’t about doing something to make ourselves feel better. It was simpler than that. You help a stranger when they need it. You do what you’d want someone to do for you.

A college professor of ours, who’s become a friend over the years, once said he always gives money to people on the street if they ask. “Whatever they do with that money is their karma,” he told us. “The act of giving someone a few bucks when they’re in hard times is my karma.”

Getting gas for a stranger in the desert wasn’t in our travel plans for the day. But we came home with a story we’ll never forget and a reminder that doing the right thing sometimes costs you exactly $25 and a U-turn.

Until next time,

Rychelle

The day all the nice and expensive restaurants are all booked up. The day you see red and pink and teddy bears all throughout the grocery store and every product is suddenly being sold in a heart shape. Heart-shaped pizza, heart-shaped bath bombs. I even saw heart-shaped cheese wheels the other day.

It’s the day we’re supposed to dote on our partner and get them gifts and shower them with affection. The bigger bouquet of flowers, the better, right?

But in the almost 12 years we’ve been together, Corey and I have never really celebrated Valentine’s Day. We’ve at most gotten some food and watched some movies on the couch. But that’s what we do every night.

Last night we were walking into our favorite H-E-B on the way home from the gym to restock on groceries. We saw several guys walking out of the store, each one carrying a a bouquet of flowers and huge balloons. I looked at Corey and said, “I’m so glad you’ll buy me a pizza before you ever buy me flowers.”

I hate getting a bouquet of flowers. They’re insanely expensive. I saw bouquets this week for $70-100 and they weren’t impressive. They weren’t even roses! Yes, flowers are pretty, but they just sit on the counter and are dead in a week or two. To me, they’re a waste of money.

I didn’t even have a bouquet for our wedding ceremony. Not even a fake one.

Some people love getting flowers and chocolate and other gifts on Valentine’s Day and that’s great for them. I much prefer that Corey and I show our love and appreciation to each other on a daily basis. Several times a day in fact. I come out of my office when he wakes up every morning and make his coffee for him. He’ll give me a bit of the snacks pulled out of the pantry for himself before going back up to his office. We say “I love you” and “you’re wonderful” multiple times a day.

Every time we sit down for dinner, we both say, “Hope it’s good, sorry if it’s not. Thanks for cooking!”

We don’t do it because it’s expected. We show appreciation and love for each other every day because we want to and because we genuinely love and appreciate each other. And because we do it several times a day, every day, we don’t need to go over the top for Valentine’s Day. It’s just another day for us.

So today, we’ll both work in our offices for a bit. Then we’ll come out to the kitchen and make ube pancakes, eggs, and bacon and enjoy breakfast for dinner and watch a movie. Probably The Crow, because it’s our favorite romance movie (you can’t convince me it doesn’t fit in that genre).

I’m not saying people who do celebrate Valentine’s Day have bad relationships. I’m just saying that the pressure of Valentine’s Day is unnecessary when you have someone you truly love and appreciate every day.

Until next time,

Rychelle

On January 11th, I made a post on Instagram saying I was taking a break from posting through the rest of the month of January with the main goal of replacing my time spent on those apps with reading actual books.

I was spending too much time scrolling. Every post and reel felt like something to complain about, react to, or feel vaguely irritated by. And I wasn’t reading nearly as much as I wanted to.

The Immediate Shift

What surprised me most was how quickly things changed.

Within days of starting the detox, I felt calmer. Less stimulated. There was less “buzzing” in my head. The things I was doing, like cold plunging every morning, felt more intentional and actually “for me” rather than for the purpose of posting on social media.

I started reading again. A lot. I used to be the kid hiding under the blankets with a flashlight so I could sneak in a few more chapters when I was supposed to be sleeping. I would always be reading at least 3 books at any given time.

Last year, I was barely reading one book a month. Now, I’ve already read 8 books in 2026.

My conversations changed too. Instead of saying things like, “I saw this reel on Instagram about…” I talked to people about actual ideas and concepts. Real topics.

My interactions with friends also started to look different. Instead of just seeing a friend’s story or post and scrolling to the next thing, I actually texted friends. Actually talked to them and had things to talk about. I no longer responded with, “Oh yea I saw you post about that,” which immediately kills any conversation. Now my friends and I could actually talk about what we’ve both been up to.

Overall, I felt more connected by spending less time on social media.

Coming Back (On My Own Terms)

When the detox ended, I didn’t rush back to scrolling like I was before. That would have defeated the entire purpose of the detox: break the habit of checking social media every few minutes.

I set a firm limit for the apps on my phone: 30 minutes per day, max. I also unfollowed over 200 accounts (and counting). Pages that I didn’t actually care about. Yes, I collect dice, but do I really need to follow 30 Instagram pages about dice? No, I don’t. People I only met once years ago and never spoke to or interacted with again or people I didn’t really want to continue interacting with…it was very cathartic.

I also still haven’t watched a single reel. I open the app, look at stories and make my own occasional post. I engage intentionally for a few minutes and then I close out of the app before I start to feel overstimulated.

What the Detox Taught Me

The point wasn’t to demonize social media. It was about getting my use of social media back to what it was originally meant to be. A way to keep in touch with the people I like and care about.

It was about noticing how I feel when I use it and giving myself permission to change the rules. Just because the algorithms support more and flashier content doesn’t mean that’s how I have to use the apps. I’m not trying to be an “influencer” so I don’t have to follow those rules.

The detox worked. I’m calmer. I now sit on the couch in the evenings with an e-book instead of scrolling social media. My relationships feel more intentional. And I’m far more aware of when something is adding value versus taking it.

If you’ve been feeling similarly about your social media usage, I highly recommend you do your own detox!

Until next time,

Rychelle

Once with friend on LinkedIn, in a more professional context. Once on the jiu-jitsu mats talking to a friend about consistent training. Once with Corey about my morning routine.

A lot of people think systems are about optimization. About making your best days even better or about working when you’re at your most productive. So they design systems around how they function when they’re motivated, well-rested, focused, and disciplined.

But that’s not how most days actually look. My average day is full of low energy moments, distractions, last minute responsibilities, etc.

I can’t work at 100% every day. I’ll run yourself into the ground within a week.

The truth is, systems don’t really matter on my best days. On my best days, I’ll probably show up and do the thing anyway. On my best day, I don’t need a system to get the thing done.

What does matter is whether my system still work on my worst days.

And whether I’m willing to adjust them until they actually fit me, instead of forcing myself to fit the system.

A small, very real example

I’m working through this right now with my mornings.

Every morning, I hit snooze a few times and scroll Instagram or Facebook while I “wake up.” I tell myself I’m just easing into the day. And every single time, without fail, I end up seeing some tragic news story before I’m even fully conscious.

This sets such a bad tone for my day! I’m immediately starting the day off on a negative foot.

It doesn’t matter how many times I promise myself I won’t open Facebook or Instagram. Or that I’ll “just scroll for a minute.” Half-asleep Rychelle just does it without thinking.

My system itself is flawed.

Plus, around Christmas I made the goal of more reading, less social media. I was doing okay with the more reading part, but really struggling with the less social media part. With any lag in conversation or lull in whatever show we were watching, I’d open Instagram and start scrolling.

So last night, I decided to change my system. Corey and I were on a walk around the neighborhood and we got on the subject of a social media detox. The more I thought about it, the more I realized this was the answer to my problem.

So, when we got home I put limits on my Facebook and Instagram so I can’t easily open them on my phone. I won’t be using any Meta apps at all and will only use Substack and LinkedIn on my desktop since those are for creativity and work respectively.

Same goal: less social media. Different system: stricter rules and cut off access.

I’m not creating the stricter rules because I’m failing. I’m doing the social media detox because I’m paying attention. I noticed that my system needed to be adapted.

The same idea, on the mats

This is also how I think about and approach training jiu-jitsu.

My goal is to train 4–5 days a week. But at certain points in my cycle, my body feels weaker, I’m more tired, my brain is foggy, and everything just feels harder.

If I skipped training entirely during that week, I’d lose roughly 25% of my training days every single month. And once I skipped a full week, it would be very easy to keep talking myself out of going the following week, too.

So instead of opting out completely, I adjust the system.

I still go to the gym during that week, but:

• I don’t train as hard, focusing instead on technique and just moving my body

• I lower my expectations of performance, setting a smaller and more specific goal during my rolls

• I’m selective about who I roll with, choosing people I know will be willing to have a lighter roll

I don’t try to “push through.” I just show up differently.

Because the system I’ve built around jiu-jitsu still functions on my worst days.

What I keep coming back to

Good systems aren’t impressive. They’re forgiving.

They don’t assume I’ll always have energy, clarity, or motivation. They assume I’m human, and they’re built to support me anyway.

They’re also not fixed. I don’t design them once and get it “right” forever. I notice what’s not working, I adjust, and I try again.

Over and over.

If you’re building systems right now, whether it be around your work, your health, your routines, or your habits, I’d invite you to ask one simple question:

Would this still work for me on my worst day?

If the answer is no, that’s not a failure.
It’s information.

And it’s usually the place where better systems begin.

Until next time,

Rychelle

It’s that time of year where everyone shares their year-end recap and their intentions for the following year. Rather than laying out my entire recap of 2025, I want to share my biggest revelation of the year.

Earlier this year, I had one of those clarity moments that kind of shifts everything. I realized that I genuinely prefer being in the background helping creators and entrepreneurs do their thing, supporting them behind the scenes. The kind of work where I’m organizing their chaos, researching for their projects, setting up systems that let them focus on what they’re best at. I realized I hate being in the spotlight. Making videos? Not for me. Being the face of something? Also not for me.

But here’s where it gets messy: even though I knew this about myself, I was still trying to force the whole “personal brand” thing. I was beating myself up for not making more YouTube videos, pressuring myself to monetize this newsletter and grow a bigger audience, and pushing to take on more clients as a relationship coach. I’d look at other people building their platforms and think, “Why can’t I just do that?” I was exhausted. Completely drained. Feeling like I was failing at everything I touched because nothing was working the way I thought it should.

Then, during the most recent cohort of Corey’s Alchemy of Fear course, something clicked. I realized I was trying to force myself into the spotlight because it was something I wanted to want. Does that make sense? It’s this strange, confusing space where I know I don’t want something, but I wish I did want it. Intellectually, I could see all the benefits of being visible, of building an audience, of being known. It seemed like the smart thing to want. But in my gut? I just... didn’t want it.

There’s this concept I came across about the difference between what’s ineffable and what’s effable. Ineffable things are what you can’t quite put into words. Those deep, genuine desires that exist in your body. You just feel them. You know them to be true even if you can’t explain why. For me, that was this pull toward being behind the scenes, toward supporting rather than leading. I couldn’t articulate exactly why I wanted it so badly, but the feeling was unmistakable.

Effable things, on the other hand, are what you can clearly articulate and explain. They’re often the things we’ve borrowed from other people. Desires that make sense on paper, that we can justify with logic and reason. I could easily explain why I should want to build a personal brand: “It creates opportunities, it helps more people, it builds authority, it’s what successful entrepreneurs do.” I had all the words for it. I could make a compelling case. But that’s exactly the problem…it was all in my head, not in my body. It was someone else’s desire that I’d picked up and tried to make my own.

The tricky part is that the effable desires are often louder. They’re the ones we can defend to other people, the ones that make us sound ambitious or smart or like we have it together. Meanwhile, the ineffable desires are quieter, harder to justify, sometimes even embarrassing to admit. But they’re the real ones. They’re what actually moves us.

I had already decided I wanted to work more behind the scenes, but I hadn’t actually accepted that this was okay to want. There’s a big difference between deciding something and accepting it. Deciding is logical. Accepting is emotional. I could decide I wanted to be behind the scenes all day long, but until I truly accepted that I wasn’t broken or lazy or unmotivated for wanting that, I was still going to feel bad about it.

When I finally let myself accept it, when I stopped trying to force the relationship coaching work, it felt strange at first. Almost like I was grieving. I really did want to help people have healthy relationships. That work mattered to me. I felt this obligation to keep doing work that addressed the problem of abusive and toxic relationships, especially because I’d experienced those things myself and worked with victims before and knew how much people needed support.

I felt like I was abandoning so many people who needed help. Like I was being selfish or giving up on something important. But the truth was, it didn’t make me feel excited or lit up inside anymore. Every time I sat down to work on relationship content, it felt heavy. Like I was dragging myself through it.

So I started focusing on LinkedIn instead, posting about helping creators and entrepreneurs with operations and research work. I started having conversations with people about what they needed, what felt hard for them, what would make their lives easier. I began working with an entrepreneur, doing research for his company’s newsletter. And suddenly, now that I wasn’t forcing things, everything became easier. It felt natural. It felt fun! I’d wake up excited to work on projects. I’d find myself thinking about solutions in the shower. That’s when I knew I was on the right track.

What does this mean for this newsletter?

I’m still going to write about relationships, but more casually. Not in a “here are 5 steps to communicate better” kind of way, but more like “here’s something I noticed about how people connect” or “here’s what I’m learning about myself.” This is going to feel more like a personal blog than an educational newsletter from here on out. Less structured, less “expert,” more just... me, sharing what’s on my mind.

There’s going to be a name change in the next few days, going from Navigating Relationships to just my name, Rychelle Wilks. It feels more honest that way. This isn’t a branded thing anymore. It’s just my space to write and think out loud.

I’ve also turned off the paid subscription option. I don’t want this to feel like an obligation for me or for you. I don’t want to feel like I need to produce content on a schedule or deliver a certain kind of value. And I don’t want you to feel like you’re paying for something that might change shape as I figure things out. This is just going to be a place where I share when I have something to say.

This whole shift also led to something I’m actually really proud of: I finally published a workbook on building confidence that I started working on back in January. It literally took me a year to finish and publish it because the other work I was doing wasn’t aligned with who I am, so the workbook felt wrong and impossibly heavy. I’d open the document and just stare at it, unable to write. I kept telling myself I was procrastinating or being lazy, but really, I was just trying to force something that didn’t fit anymore. But once I allowed myself to want what I actually want? The workbook practically finished itself. I sat down one weekend and just flew through it. That’s how I knew this shift was real.

I’m still figuring out what all of this means, but it feels right. And honestly, that’s enough for now. I hope you come along on this journey with me, whatever shape it takes.

Thanks for being here,

Rychelle 💜

The reason I participated was to get out of my own way when it comes to my writing. I have a tendency to overthink whether a topic is worth writing about, whether I’m the person that should be talking about it, and the actual writing I do on that topic. So the point of the 30 day challenge for me was to just write.

I was worried that I was going to struggle coming up with 30 topics to write about so in the weeks leading up to the beginning of the challenge, I went ahead and came up with the 30 topics. That way I wouldn’t have to come up with a topic day of. But I actually didn’t end up using 13 of the topics I listed out ahead of time!

It turns out, because I had to post every day, I was more in tune with my surroundings, looking and seeing more inspiration in my day to day activities. Talking to people about their relationships, thinking back about our wedding, watching a reality TV show about finding love. I began seeing things I could write about pretty much everywhere.

I had the intention of writing each post early in the day to get it done and off my to-do list, but that’s not really how it worked out. Most days, it was me writing that day’s post on my phone at 10pm after getting home from jiu-jitsu and eating dinner. But honestly, it kind of worked out. Corey made the comment one day about two-thirds of the way through the month that writing each post on my phone made my writing feel more casual. He said it read more like a text to a friend who asked for relationship advice.

This is a really good feeling since I’m still trying to come out of the habit of writing more formally for school. Writing more casual has always been a struggle for me, so I’m excited about this outcome!

Overall, I feel like the 30 day challenge was successful and not just because I completed it by sharing 30 posts in 30 days. But also because I don’t overthink my writing as much anymore. This is going to be incredibly helpful when I work on my memoir. It’s going to be easier to get the words out for the first draft and not overthink what I’m saying.

What now?

Now, this newsletter will go back to a post every other week. Going from daily to bi-weekly is going to mean they’ll be longer and more in-depth than the posts from the past 30 days.

I think the 30 day challenge is a great way to change up the way I write and the way I think about certain topics and this is going to be helpful when I get back to working on my memoir. There are some chapters I’ve been avoiding because I know I’m going to overthink the writing process, but now I feel like I can better approach those chapters.

If you have a topic you’d like me to write about, feel free to leave a comment!

Leave a comment

In case you missed any of the posts in this challenge, here is a link to all 30:

1. After 11 years, we got married!

2. Choose a partner you can suffer with

3. Respect your partner, even when you’re upset

4. Front load your baggage in a new relationship

5. Career or love…do you really have to choose?

6. Every meet is a “meet cute”

7. Spread more kindness and positivity

8. Life is a giant video game map

9. Breaking up isn’t a “failed relationship”

10. Relationships shouldn’t be hard

11. Unconditional love shouldn’t exist

12. How I prepare for a jiu-jitsu competition

13. Have the hard conversations up front

14. Advocating for yourself is hard, but worth it

15. Give yourself permission to be the version of you the moment is calling for

16. Trust your partner

17. Your past can’t hurt you any more than it already has

18. Never assume you know everything about your partner

19. Relationships aren’t a zero sum game

20. What are love languages anyway?

21. Are you listening to respond or to actually listen?

22. Can you and your partner do nothing together?

23. It’s the little things

24. Look for reasons it will be the best day of your life

25. Is love really blind?

26. Feelings and excuses

27. It’s your life, so you make the rules!

28. Disagreements vs. arguments

29. Logic is more importance than romance

30. You can’t date someone for their potential

I’d love to know which post was your favorite!

Leave a comment

Until next time,

Rychelle

First, they may never reach that potential. Second, what you see as their potential may not be what they envision for their life.

Some people are perfectly happy and content to not go as far in their education or their career as they can. Just because someone is skilled enough to obtain a terminal degree or become an executive in their field doesn’t mean they should or want to.

Say Sophie works as a bank teller. She’s incredibly good at her job and a few years in, she’s offered a promotion. Her fiancé is thrilled because he sees that Sophie is so skilled at her job and knows she has the potential to go far in that field. But maybe that promotion means she won’t be as customer-facing anymore and that’s Sophie’s favorite part of the job. So she turns down the promotion. Her fiancé doesn’t understand why she wouldn’t want to take a promotion she’s more than qualified for.

But it’s not that Sophie isn’t reaching her potential. She’s living a life she’s happy with. She loves her job as bank teller and if she would have taken that promotion she’s would have been miserable being in more of an administrative role.

Another example: James was a star football player in high school and his parents wanted him to continue playing in college and work toward playing professionally because they believed he had the potential to have a very successful career in the sport. James, however, didn’t want to play professionally. He wanted the pursue a career as a chef because he had an intense love of food and preparing food for other people. James’s parents thought he was throwing away all his potential as a football player, but James was following a passion of his. He wanted to live a life he loved and didn’t want to continue in a sport where so many injuries could take place.

Basically, the potential you see for someone else doesn’t matter. When choosing a partner to spend the rest of your life with, you can’t focus on their potential. They may have their own idea of how they want their life to go and that may not match your idea of their potential.

Choose your partner based on who they are now. As long as they’re someone who is always striving to grow in some way or another, if you are constantly focused on who they have the potential to be, your relationship can’t be developed on a strong foundation.

Until next time,

Rychelle

Emotions and feeling romance between partners is important, but I would argue that logic is more important. I think everyone should channel their inner Spock 🖖 when pursuing a relationship.

For Corey and I, most of the major decisions in our relationship was rooted in logic. We already knew we loved each other, so we didn’t need these big grand gestures to prove that. Instead, we thought logically about our situations.

When we were deciding if we wanted to start dating, we laid out everything on the table so we could logically make the decision.

We moved in together a month into dating. Not because we were head over heels in love with each other and spend another second apart…but because it was logical.

We were each paying rent in our separate places, but I was staying at his place pretty frequently. My apartment at the time was right next to a pretty shady gas station, only had street parking, and my landlord was awful. Plus it was right across the street from my ex-boyfriend’s house. I didn’t want to live there and Corey didn’t feel like it was that safe of a place. So my dog and I moved into his place.

Prioritizing logic over romance in the major decisions allowed us to grow our love focusing on the relationship itself, rather than on our life structure surrounding the relationship.

Any time we have to make a decision about our life, we talk about it. We lay out all the options and think through where each of those options may lead. None of the options we ever lay out are romantic in nature.

Even when we were deciding to get married, we both decided that if at any point in the future either of us felt like we didn’t wake up and choose each other wholeheartedly, we would go our separate ways. It would be painful, but it would be the logical decisions. We wouldn’t try to force something that both of us weren’t 100% invested in.

People tend to think that if a couple isn’t pouring on the romance then their relationship isn’t real or that the people aren’t committed to each other.

But thinking logically about the relationship allows each person in the relationship to see things clearly and make the best decision for them and for the relationship.

Until next time,

Rychelle

While I believe you and your partner should agree on the major pillar areas of a relationship (religion, raising children, politics, etc.), I don’t believe you should agree on everything.

A little disagreement is healthy. It sparks conversation, but it also shows that you’re two separate people with unique perspectives and experiences.

Arguing, on the other hand, is not healthy. The person you’re choosing to spend the rest of your life with should be someone you’d never raise your voice to, never intentionally say hurtful things to, and never be someone you’d spend energy trying to prove wrong or less than you.

If a situation arises where you and your partner have different opinions on or would handle differently, that means it’s something you should have a conversation about.

If you do something your partner doesn’t like, or vice versa, that means you and your partner should have a conversation.

It all comes down to communication. Problems are never solved, and relationships are never strengthened through arguments. Problems are solved and relationships are strengthened by hearing the perspective of the other person and having empathy. By communicating your needs while truly hearing the needs of your partner.

Disagreements are okay. Arguing isn’t.

Until next time,

Rychelle

This sounds like a teenaged rant, but it really is true. We only get one life. And it’s honestly a pretty short life when you think about it. Everyone should live their life how they want to and in the way that makes them the most happy. People should decorate their house how they want, get the car they want, have the type of wedding they want, read the books they want, eat the food they want, etc.

Here’s an example. Corey and I immediately knew we wanted to get married on Halloween. We knew that we wanted the ceremony to be super simple and casual and we wanted goth-y vibes at the reception. I wanted to wear a black dress and go for more 90s witchy vibes with Corey sporting more of a vampire vibe (but not in a cheesy way).

At first, it was challenging to get my mom to understand the vibe we wanted because she’s more formal and classy. She kept saying things like “but it’s a wedding, you’re supposed to….”

But then eventually it clicked for her and she ran with the theme and actually had some fun with the décor.

Someone at our party up in Pittsburgh asked me what in world I'm going to do with all the decorations after the wedding and I quickly said, “oh im decorating our house with it all!” They gave me a very unsure look, completely confused as to why I would want Halloween decorations up in our house year round. But it’s exactly the vibe Corey and I want in our house!

On the invitations, for both the ceremony and the reception, I had put “this is a casual event so wear what you want!” Apparently, that was the most confusing thing I could have put. So many people messaged my mom and me in the week leading up to the wedding asking what they’re supposed to wear.

My response to everyone was “We don’t care what you wear, we care that you’re there!” But they were confused because of the societal expectation that weddings are supposed to be formal. But when I think back about the memories of that day, almost a month later at this point, I don’t think about what people were wearing (although some people did come to the reception party in costumes which were pretty fun). I think about the love and happiness I was feeling all throughout that day.

I don’t think about the fact that our family members were in every day clothing for our ceremony. I think about how this was the first day both of immediate families were in the same space because our families live in different states. I think about how these are the people that mean the most to us in the whole world.

Again, we only get one life. Have the wedding you want. Do the nerdy hobby without embarrassment, decorate your house how you want, eat pizza when you want. Don’t listen to anyone saying, “oh you don’t want to do that…” because only you know what you want. They’re just saying what they don’t want.

Until next time,

Rychelle

I’ve been wanting this as a morning routine since I first tried a cold plunge a little over 3 years ago (pictured below).

Now that I have my own, I was so excited to get it set up and filled. I started using it on Tuesday and the first 2 days were fun.

But then I woke up this morning exhausted because I didn’t sleep well. I was fighting a headache. And I just overall didn’t feel that great. It was also chilly outside (for Texas at least).

So I thought, “I’ll just skip today and restart the routine tomorrow. It’s only day 3 anyways so I’m not messing up much of a streak.”

When Corey woke up a little while later and I told him I didn’t cold plunge today, he asked why. I told him all of the reasons I didn’t. His response was in the tone I recognize where he’s trying to be encouraging and supportive but also push me slightly out of my comfort zone. A tone that’s a little blunt and to the point, but also has soft edges.

He said, “Why don’t you just do it now so it’s out of the way and done? Then you don’t have to feel any guilt for not doing it. Plus, it may make you feel better.”

I made coffee and as he was walking into his office I said, “Okay I’m going to go cold plunge now.”

Because he was right. And he knows me. Knows I would be upset with myself for already skipping a day.

All of the reason I gave for not cold plunging were simply excuses. Not real reasons. And I didn’t physically feel better, but I did mentally feel better.

I don’t tend to follow the hard rough and gritty discipline mentality that Jocko Willink (it works for him, but I tend to gravitate more toward support and encouragement focused mentalities). But I have found success in applying his idea of feelings don’t get a vote in situations like this.

It’s the same in jiu-jitsu. The days I least feel like going to train are the days I most need to and often the days I most benefit from going. It’s easy to make excuses. It’s easy to talk myself out of doing something when I don’t really feel like doing it.

But in situations like this, my feelings don’t get a vote. I didn’t feel like cold plunging this morning, but I felt better after I did.

Here’s to day 4 tomorrow,

Rychelle

If you’re not familiar, the premise of Love Is Blind is pretty much what you can probably guess. Men and women go on the show to find true love based on personality alone. No peaks allowed.

The first few episodes are where they get to know each other by going into separate pods and talk to each other through intercoms. At the beginning everyone’s basically dating everyone. Then they start narrowing it down based on who they’re making a connection with.

If they want to leave the pods together, they get engaged. Meaning the first time they actually see each other in person, he’s already popped the question and she’s already said yes.

The couples that are still together at this point go on a romantic getaway together. But everyone goes to the same place. So all the couples meet each other as well.

Then they move in together, meet the family, and the season ends with wedding ceremonies for the couples still together.

It all sounds pretty insane. Agreeing to marry someone you’ve never physically seen or been in the same room with. Meeting other couples who may consist of someone else they had a deep connection with before making the choice to continue the relationship with someone else.

But, is it actually a ridiculous premise?

I think, kinda sorta but not really.

I do think it’s a problem to get engaged before actually meeting them in person, because an engagement is a pretty serious emotional event. Many of the people on the show are people who talk about not being able to find love anywhere else so they figured they’d give this a try. It could be easy for them to get swept up in the moment and agree to marriage before they’re actually ready.

I also believe that physical attraction is an important part of a relationship. It sounds superficial, but there are definitely physical features I wouldn’t be able to have in a partner. Not because I’d think they’re ugly but because there are very specific features that are too reminiscent of ex-partners I want absolutely nothing to do with ever again.

Past trauma aside though, being physically attracted to your partner is important. But I do like that the people in the show are able to have really deep conversations with each other. Not seeing their face looking back at them allows them to open up more easily and talk about things that may be hard to talk about otherwise.

In the season I’m currently watching, there have been conversations about growing up with parents struggling with addiction, being cheated on by past partners, cheating on past partners, having a sibling pass away, and so much more.

These conversations are difficult to have with a new partner, but not having them physically in front of them makes it easier to talk about these things. And talking about these things gets all of their “baggage” out in the open from the start. I’ve talked about this before…how it makes the most sense to front load your baggage so you and your partner can make an informed decision as to whether you want to continue the relationship.

In the end, some of the couples from past seasons of Love Is Blind are still together while others have ended their marriage.

I understand it’s a reality TV show, but I do think they have some nuggets of building a healthy relationship tucked into the process.

Until next time,

Rychelle

Here’s an example. You go to the car dealership and buy a new car in a really cool shade of green you’ve never seen on a car before. You drive it off the lot and stop at a red light. What pulls up next to you? A car that’s the exact same green as your new car! A few weeks later and you realize you’ve seen a car in that shade of green almost daily. But before you bought your car, you had never seen that color before.

Another example came up for me late last year when I learned the term “liminal space,” which means an in-between space like a hallway or a transition period. After I learned that term it started coming up everywhere for me. I was in a liminal space of being done with my dissertation but not yet technically graduated because the university hasn’t approved it yet. Corey and I got engaged, meaning we were in a liminal space between dating and being married. “Liminal space” came up in several conversations and Instagram reels people were sharing in their stories. It was quite literally everywhere.

Applying this frequency illusion intentionally can actually be helpful. A while back I saw an Instagram reel where this woman was saying she wakes up every day and sets the intention to look for reasons it’s going to be the best day of her life.

That got me thinking.

If I spend my time and energy focusing on the beauty in the world and more positive things, then beauty and positivity is what I’ll see more frequently.

But be careful, because it can work the other way too. It can be easy to get bogged down in the negativity and ugliness of the world. It’s not that I ignore the negative things, I just shift my focus to intentionally be toward the positive things.

So far, I’m genuinely happier on a day to day basis!

Until next time,

Rychelle

On our way home from the gym we’ll often stop at H-E-B, a grocery story in Texas. We like to do our grocery shopping late at night because it’s less people-y at 10pm. Tonight, Corey was looking at the spices and I looked down the aisle and smiled.

See, H-E-B has paper coupons hanging all throughout the store.

While it’s not the most environmentally friendly process (it is a lot of paper after all), it sparked some nostalgia inside my heart.

It reminded me of when I used to go grocery shopping with my mom when I was little and I was fascinated by those little electronic coupon dispensers that would be all throughout the aisles.

I used to walk the aisles with Mom and see how many coupons I could collect on the shopping trip. Then on the way home I’d look at what the coupons were actually for, as if they were trading cards and I was unwrapping a mystery pack.

I’m pretty sure I thought these simple machines were magic. And while H-E-B doesn’t have the electronic dispensers, the paper coupons hanging on the shelves still bring back those memories.

It can be easy to get caught up in the busy-ness of life. But sometimes you have to pause and look at the coupons. Search for the seemingly mundane things that bring you a little joy.

Until next time,

Rychelle

I’ve heard people say that you aren’t truly comfortable with yourself if you can’t sit a room doing nothing. If you can’t be alone with yourself. Well I think the same can be said for your partner too.

I’ve had relationships in the past where we were always trying to fill our time with one activity or another. We’d go to the mall, have parties every weekend, go to the movies, etc.

At first glance, that simply sounds like an active social life. But if you looked a little deeper, it was actually us trying to avoid being alone together.

With Corey, we can do absolutely nothing together and be perfectly content. Sometimes when we go on a walk around the neighborhood we’re lively with conversation (it’s where some of our best creative conversations happen), but other times we’re just walking in silence. Neither of us talking or feeling pressure to start a conversation. We’re simply walking side by side.

The same thing goes for when we’re in the car. Sometimes we’re listening to music, sometimes we’re talking, but often we’re both just sitting, me driving and Corey looking out the window.

Usually when there’s silence, I get awkward or anxious. I don’t like the quiet and I usually feel pressure to say something to start a new conversation. But with Corey, there’s peace even in the quiet. And that’s because we’re completely comfortable with just being in each other’s company. Just each other’s existence is enough for us.

Don’t get me wrong, Corey’s my favorite person in the world to talk to. But I’m also perfectly happy just being in the same space as him. I never feel pressure to talk or suggest we go do something.

The goal in a relationship is to simply be with your partner. If you haven’t tried doing absolutely nothing together, you may want to give it a go!

Until next time,

Rychelle

I’m guilty of it myself. I’ll be listening to someone talk about an experience they had on an airplane recently and I’ll be half listening, half thinking about telling my own story about almost getting rerouted to Baltimore one time.

We don’t do this intentionally, as if we’re trying to one up the other person. It’s more so that we’re trying to relate to the other person and show them that we understand their story and had a shared experience.

The problem comes when we do this with our partner. If I were to constantly be thinking of what I’m going to say next when Corey is talking, I wouldn’t know him nearly as well as I do.

It took me a minute to learn how to actually listen when he was speaking, but doing so is how he became my favorite person. It’s how I know when he’s feeling stressed about something by his breathing pattern. It’s how I know his regular laugh from his “I’m having a blast” laugh.

Active listening is one of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship. Knowing your partner is actually hearing what you’re saying and processing it is one of the best feelings.

But this is true with other relationships as well. I’m a very detail-oriented person, so it’s natural for me to remember super random facts about people.

A while back I remembered someone at the gym off-handedly tell me how they were looking for a new job because they aren’t really happy at theirs. Then a few weeks went by until I saw him next. I asked him how the job search was going and he was surprised I remembered. I remembered because I was actively listening when he was talking. So even though it was a quick comment in a brief conversation, it stuck in my brain so I was able to ask him about it next time I saw him.

Listening when someone speaks seems like a simple “well, duh” kind of thing, but if you start paying attention to it a little more, I bet you’ll be surprised at how much you’ve actually been letting yourself get distracted in conversations.

Until next time,

Rychelle

What’s a love language? Simply put, it’s the way in which people prefer to be loved by others.

But is a quiz with a couple of questions really able to tell how you prefer to be loved? And if it can, what are you supposed to do with that information?

There are 5 original love languages created by radio host and Baptist minister, Gary Chapmad:

1. Words of affirmation: wanting your partner to show love through verbally expressing their appreciation for you

2. Physical touch: wanting your partner to express their love through physical touch like hugging, kissing, holding hands, or sex

3. Acts of service: wanting your partner to do things like chores or other tasks without being asked

4. Gifts: wanting your partner to give you meaningful gifts that show their love and appreciation

5. Quality time: wanting your partner to spend uninterrupted time with you, doing activities you both love, or having meaningful conversations

So say you take the quiz and you learn your love language is words of affirmation (this is my love language btw). How do you let your partner know this is how you like to be shown love and appreciation?

Well, it’s pretty simple. You tell them. You have a conversation about it!

You don’t go to your partner and say “hey my love language is words of affirmation, which means I need to you to spend your time doting on me and telling me how great I am.”

Instead, you could say something like “Hey, I really love it when you tell me how much you love and appreciate me. It doesn’t have to be constant, but could you just share your thoughts with me any time you find yourself thinking about how I make you feel?”

The same goes for the other love languages too:

If your love language is physical touch you could say “I really like it when you hold my hand or when our feet are touching while we’re sitting on the couch together”

If yours is gifts, you could say “occasionally do you think you could surprise me with my favorite coffee drink or snack?” Gifts as a love language doesn’t typically mean expensive jewelry or flowers. It’s usually enough to be surprised with a pack of their favorite candy or something else small.

Of yours is acts of service, you could tell your partner “could do some things around the house without me having to ask? It helps me feel appreciated and if I have to ask I feel like I’m nagging.”

If your love language is quality time, you could say “hey do you think once a week we could go on a walk around the neighborhoods and keep our phones away and just talk?”

Love languages are the real deal. We all have those specific things that make us feel loved and appreciated by our partners above all other things.

The first important thing is to communicate your love language with your partner clearly and effectively.

The second important thing is to be sure to show love to your partner in their love language, not yours. If your love language is acts of service, but your partner’s is quality time then you need to show your partner love by giving them your undivided attention. And your partner’s needs to show their love to you by doing those dishes that have piled up in the sink.

Talk to your partner about love languages and if you aren’t sure what yours is, it could be helpful to take some time and think about it!

Until next time,

Rychelle

Back when I was in high school, I was telling my boyfriend at the time that I wanted to become a psychologist and that meant I’d need to get a Ph.D.

His response? “Well I guess I’ll have to get a Ph.D too because I can’t have mail delivered to us as ‘Dr. and Mr.’ That’s ridiculous.” And he was dead serious.

He spent the next hour talking about how he can’t have me get a higher degree than him so he would follow a new plan of pursuing his own Ph.D. in architecture even though that degree is more for people who want to pursue research or government work. He wanted to design buildings, not do research.

His ego was so fragile that he couldn’t see a world where his partner had more success than him. He was living as if relationships are a zero sum game. It’s as if he believed that there was onlY so much success to be had and if I achieved success then he wouldn’t be able to.

Then there’s the opposite of that…the more healthy way to see success in relationships. On the way home from the gym this evening Corey and I were talking about some of the work I’m going to do now that I’m done with school.

He said, “I legitimately don’t care if you make more money than me as long as you’re happy with the work you’re doing. I know you’re going to be so successful on this path you heading down and I couldn’t be more happy for you.”

This is more of a positive-sum game way of thinking. Corey doesn’t see my success as a detriment to his success. He sees it as I’m his wife and he loves me so of course he wants me to be successful.

In a relationship, you and your partner are a team. It’s not a space for jealousy or fragility. It’s only a space for love, support and encouragement.

Until next time,

Rychelle

He knows me better than anyone on the planet, but he still doesn’t know everything about me. And vice versa.

We both had over 2 decades of experiences before coming into each other’s life. While there’s tons of information I know about him without a doubt, I don’t know everything.

Plus, we’re constantly growing and evolving. It’s just the nature of being human. Compared to when we first met, I like different foods, approach obstacles differently, and I’ve learned a ton about myself and various topics.

So there’s always new things to learn for us to learn about each other!

We always approach conversations with curiosity and a genuine desire to get to know each other better. Here are some examples from recent months:

• Me to Corey: “You say all the time that you struggle with design and visualizing things. What does that struggle look and feel like for you?” This helped me better understand how his brain works.

• Corey to me: “You’ve explained the Pittsburgh cookie table tradition for weddings1, but what were your favorite cookies growing up? Why did you like those ones so much?” This opened up the opportunity for me to talk about my memories of my grandma’s homemade mini cheesecakes that had Nilla Wafers as the crusts and how she would have to make all the grandchildren our own stash of them so we wouldn’t fight over them

• Corey to me: “I didn’t know Serendipity is one of your favorite movies, we should watch it together!” This gave me the opportunity to talk about how I like the idea of things that were meant to be will happen how and when they’re supposed to.

• Me to Corey: “I know Trivium is one of your favorite bands, but why? What about their music do you like so much?” We then spent the rest of the drive to the gym talking about Trivium’s lyrics and their meaning and the depth of their music.

By constantly trying to learn things about each other, we have interesting conversations almost every day. And because we always learn something about each other when we talk, we genuinely enjoy talking to each other. Conversations with Corey is one of my favorite activities because I love learning in general, but I especially love learning new things about the person I’ve chosen to spend forever with.

Until next time,

Rychelle

My mom has run into his mom over the years and they have chatted, so I always panic that we’re going to see her or one of his aunts or cousins. I play scenario after scenario in my head. Seeing his mom excitedly walking up to me in the produce section wanting to tell me all about how he’s happily married with a baby now and asking how I’ve been. Turning the corner to go down the coffee aisle and seeing his aunt and uncle. Standing in line at the register and seeing my ex himself at the next register over because he’s also in town visiting his family.

How would I handle those conversations? I’d like to think I’d stand up for myself, or make some remark about how he treated me. But I know myself better than that. For one thing, I don’t like confrontation. But more so, I know based on how I feel while I’m walking around the store that my whole body would freeze the second I saw them. I bet wouldn’t even be able to open my mouth to speak. It would probably feel like my legs turned to Jell-O and I couldn’t even stand.

From the moment we walk in the door, I’m scanning every single face as if my brain has been taken over by a high-tech facial recognition software. We do our shopping, get through the register line, and pack the groceries in the car. Then, when I finally get in the car and close my door, I feel like I exhale for the first time since pulling into the parking lot. It feels like I had been holding my breath the entire time we were in the store.

But in the 11+ years we’ve been visiting my family and going to that store, we’ve never run into them. Not once. It would take a lot of work on fate’s part to have us be in that one small space at the same time and so far, fate’s been on my side.

From the beginning of our relationship, Corey’s known how nervous I am every time we’re up there. It was a conversation we had right at the start as part of our process of frontloading our baggage. When I know there’s no longer going to be a chance of running into them on the trip I usually let out a sigh and say something like, “Another successful trip of not running into anybody.”

So, when we were making our drive up to Pittsburgh on our wedding trip I said, “Watch this be the trip we actually run into him or someone from his family because this is an incredibly happy trip that’s all about celebrating our wedding.”

He responded by telling me that if we do run into them I get to decide how that interaction goes. I get to walk away, I get to decide not to engage, or even to tell them off on the spot if I really want to. He also told me to let him know how he can help. He said I just have to say the word and he’ll intervene.

That response, in tandem with a friend in Corey’s creator community sharing the idea that you get to choose your problems (meaning you get to decide the severity of the problem or if it’s even a problem at all) shifted something in my brain.

I reminded myself that my ex and his family haven’t had any power over me in almost 15 years. All of the pain and trauma they caused me is in my past. Meaning, they can’t do any more damage than they’ve already done as long as I decide they can’t.

So, before Corey and I got to the grocery store we made a plan and I rehearsed it in my head over and over again. If we were to run into anyone and they wanted to talk to me I would simply say “I’m not interested in catching up” and walk away without waiting for a response. If they were to press the conversation, Corey would step in and reaffirm my choice. He respects that this is my past and wouldn’t step into the confrontation unless I asked him to.

The reminder that they can’t hurt me anymore and that I get to choose my problems, the love I feel for Corey and our relationship, his respect for me and my boundaries, and the vibe of our wedding trip overall really calmed my anxiety. I didn’t get nervous as we pulled into the grocery store parking lot. I wasn’t as concerned with scanning every face I saw. And I didn’t feel like I was holding my breath the whole time.

I’m now someone who is more sure of myself, more confident, and more in love with who I am. I’m also now with a partner who focuses on my happiness and comfort and supports me.

Realizing that my past can’t hurt me any more than it already has released the hold it still had on me every time I went back to my home town. I’m now able to focus on my current life and my happiness and be fully present while visiting my family.

Until next time,

Rychelle